Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
