I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I have fence marks all over my body
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
