looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
