Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
