I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
