his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
