Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
