I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize