apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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