I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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