We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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