It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
