Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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