My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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