i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
