I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
you had me at cake vodka
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize