he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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