i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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