i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
