I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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