If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
