Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The power of my boobs compel you
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
