you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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