I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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