Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Moan for me like Helen Keller
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize