I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize