We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
where are you?
Hypothermia
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
