Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
