Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize