Ambien. No doubt about it.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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