she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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