I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
