Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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