remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
