my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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