You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize