He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Randomize
