i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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