no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
