Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
