wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
