seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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