Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
