Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
