I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
