You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
