I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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