When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
