At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
