Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
