So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
