Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
