one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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