I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
