Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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