My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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