Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize