He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I will be naked everywhere
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
