My first STD was from a foam party
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
