Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
