I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
