I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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