I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
