I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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